A laser-beam shooting shotgun, with the inherant ability to allow sextuple double jumps, grant +500 health, and immunity to instant kills. Also allows silencing of medics to prevent ubercharges. The only thing to fear is fear itself. And Beholders, of course, but that goes without saying.
A minigun with fastmoving rockets, 100 % crits + 100 selfheal, + over 9000 health, slows down target with 101%, no bulletspread, deals 500% more damage, 5000% faster übercharge rate. It's possible to übercahrge while carrying the Intel and 100% faster running speed.
How about that xD?
Has anyone seen my cat on your way here? No? Then we still have a problem... BECAUSE IT'S AWSOME!
A minigun that shoots knifes which cause backstabs and, if hit from the front, facestabs. It also gives infinite cloak, attack while cloak, 200% more speed and a 99% damage resistans. Immunity to headshots, backstabs and fire. If life gives you problem... then it sucks to be you.